If you read this blog and aren't one of my close friends, you probably think I am asexual or still in the closet. Nope, I just decided a long time ago to keep this blog about fitness, running, friends, and weekends--and try to leave my super personal life out of it.
Life in your 20's is an amazing yet uncertain time. You make friends, you lose friends. You get new jobs, you move about the country. You fall in love, you break up, you move back home, you move away. I see other blogs publicly sharing their divorce in detail and breakups online and from day one decided I did NOT want that for Running A Ragnar. This was going to be my place to share my fitness goals, recipes, and my lifestyle, not a place to have to explain myself. But today will be a slight exception.
2013 was a really off year for me. Losing my horse put a huge strain on me, work was bad, and my relationship was slipping away. I am really bad at trying to tell people how I feel, and communicate what is going on in my crazy life. So I thought I would try to do it here. If you are one of my friends some of you may roll your eyes as you know a little more to this story, BUT I know you will all love me no matter what ;) And maybe I can make you all understand my crazy brain a little better in writing. So friends, new and old, uninformed and aware, sit back and grab a cup of coffee while I share a little story with you.
Thatcher always seemed a little offended I didn't talk about him on the blog, but refer back to paragraph one - this is what I always told him. So as a pre valentines gift, this post is for you.
I have always wanted to move somewhere far away, some where preferably west. Old Lyme Connecticut is a great place, but I keep telling myself this world is such a big place, what a crazy naive idea to spend it all in one place. In 2012 for Thatcher's birthday I planned an amazing trip to Seattle, WA and Portland, OR to visit friends and try to sell him on my plan to move. The trip was a success and we loved the west and Seattle. He ended up loving the west and hopped on board with the not -so-planned plan. Things were great, we were so happy, and I remember honestly and whole heartedly telling him I didn't know what I would do without him.
Well if there is one thing I have learned, it is that things never go as you planned them. You deal with your overbearing families, you plug away at your jobs, you try to save a few bucks. You deal with a tragedy or two, you adjust to change, you get a new hobby, you try to lose a few pounds. Life Happens.
Needless to say, things did not go as planned. When our lease ran up after almost two years of living together and almost 3 years of dating, things were stressful and our relationship was suffering. After much debate I suggested not re signing a lease. We had spent the last two years of our relationship living together with a room mate. While we had a great room mate, the house wasn't working out any more and we needed a change. I moved into a small studio ish apartment (where I live now) while he moved to his mom's house until we figured out the next step.
We lived apart from April to December. We still had dinner, watched movies, went to events, and shared the holidays. Nearly a year of awkward limbo where no one really put the effort required in and I tried to figure out if this was repairable. In the middle of this limbo, Thatcher made the decision to change a big stressor in his life. His job. He started applying to jobs out west.
The year of limbo, I started to think maybe I could live without this person, I am now right? Wrong. I thought I was living without this person, yet while we weren't under the same roof, we spent time together and he was always a short drive away.
Thatcher got a job offer and started to pack his bags and follow my dream of moving west. First week of January I would be dropping him off at the airport to start a new life in Salt Lake City, Utah. I was okay with the idea of him going, really excited for the opportunity for him and spent a lot of time encouraging him. This was an amazing opportunity and I figured hey, it will really force us to get our shit together. But at the same time I was crushed. I kept saying to myself this is what I wanted, someone I care so much about and off he went, without me.
I was really surprised how hard I took that week before he left. I was extremely dramatic and told him it was really hard to enjoy our time together knowing that he was leaving. It was like trying to enjoy your last meal (I warned you I was being dramatic). That last night we met packed up his things at his mothers, said a teary good bye, and met his father out in Chester for some Otto. Dinner was good but like I said, trying to enjoy your last meal before a good bye is slightly impossible.
Before dinner, I was milling around, getting ready, and jumped in the shower before we headed off to Otto. Before I begin this next part of the story- let me give you some background- rewind to 2007.
There are a few memories in my brain that will stick around forever. One of those is being a freshmen in college, crying in the shower- the only place you can REALLY get some privacy living in a dorm with four girls. I remember it like it was yesterday, sobbing in the shower after I gave my then sort of boyfriend (who would turn into a 2+ year relationship and break my heart even after this) the ultimatum of shit or get off the pot. Yes, you are correct, he chose to get off the pot which left me as a sobbing 19 year old in a dorm shower.
Fast forward back to January 2014 seven years and a few different boyfriends since the shower sobbing- and not a tear shed in between. Guess what I was doing? Crying in the shower - this time in my grown up big girl shower - you are correct.
And then it hit me. I jumped out of the shower like a lunatic and told him this was the second time I had cried over someone in the shower, something reserved for the crazy men I thought I may want to spend a really long time with. He looked at me like I was nuts (fair enough)- he clearly did not understand the importance of this. But I did. I always faulted myself for not loving Thatcher the way I loved Mr. College Boyfriend in this deep needy obnoxious sort of un functional kind of way. And then I realized I had all along.
It is selfish, and it is cliche, it is mixed up it is backwards. But isn't that what life in your 20's is any way? I would have rather spent a year questioning doubting and confirming my feelings than pushing forward pretending things are okay. It takes a lot more courage to admit things aren't working than to pretend they are. I haven't made the best decisions, but live and learn. Sometimes you figure it out from the start. Sometimes it takes a few tears in the shower.
There are so many amazing qualities about this person that were so easy to overlook when he was here. It is a lot easier to focus on the bad and remind yourself of these qualities over and over. Basically what I did. I reminded myself of all the reasons why things weren't working. It took two planes, a two hour time difference, and about 2,300 miles to put all the negative things in the closet and remind myself how wonderful this person is and how good he is to you.
It is really hard to imagine life without someone when they are right there. And it is even harder to appreciate and accept someone when they are always right there. This last month was really hard for me and I realized a really important thing.
I wanted things to end because they weren't like the movies. I wasn't coming home to a dozen roses, a hundred love letters, and we weren't kissing in the rain after rowing around a lake feeding the ducks (you better know this reference). Well I have to say, things are slowly feeling like those movies again. I get excited to talk to him on the phone, I look forward to every text, and I have already planned this 'drop your luggage run and jump" scene at the airport. Maybe in Utah I can go find a rowboat and a few ducks for good measure.
No idea what the future holds, and really have no experience trying to make a long distance relationship work but I do know one thing. I know the plane ride home will be a mix of emotions, happy and sad, but I think I will try to take things one day at a time. I am so excited to get on this plane and see this person. And I am so thankful he puts up with me through and through.
